Test2

This is my second test of the email thing.

Test

This is a test of the email feature.

Mr. Kennedy and the shoe-shine boy

This is important investment wisdom to remember:

More than 70 years ago, the father of a future U.S. president eased himself into a wooden chair in New York's financial district for his customary shoe shine. The stock markets were at an all-time high, and Gotham buzzed with money talk. The shiner, Patrick Bologna, was full of advice, lifting his head up to promote stock after stock. After listening carefully, Joe Kennedy flipped the young man a quarter, went inside the New York Stock Exchange, and sold his entire portfolio. Nine days later, the stock market melted in the crash of 1929. Kennedy later observed in a letter, "When the shoe-shine guy gives you stock tips, it's time to get out."

Reasons for Marriage

1. He is the closest friend I have ever had.
2. I want to be with him always and believe that being with him will always be the right choice for me, even if I have days when I cannot see it.
3. He is dedicated to taking care of me on physical, emotional, and social levels.
4. He encourages me to stand up for myself, even to him.
5. Being alone with him is more relaxing than being alone by myself. (I don't know if this is something people without social anxiety can understand... but I need so much alone time and it used to get really lonely. Finding someone who could share some of that time with me without ruining it's value as "alone time" was an absolute miricle.)
6. We share (most of) the same values and goals.
7. We have a great time together.
8. He helps me achieve balance in my life.
9. He pushes my limits to try new things and learn new things.
10. He supports me in my dreams even when he does not share them.
11. I love facing the world as part of a team, believe I will be better able to achieve my goals as part of a team, and could not ask for a more dedicated team mate.
12. He wont allow us to end an argument until we are *both* satisfied, not just him.
13. My happiness is very important to him.
14. We both know that even though love feels like magic, it is not. He has never refused a request on my part to try new things to improve upon our relationship, whether we are at a high point or a low one.
15. He is willing to put aside his own discomfort and embarrassment to understand me better and to help me. (Example: extensive research on menstrual cramps to find new ways to help me fight them, followed up with his tracking my cycles every bit as closely as I do so he can help me remember to start taking ibuprofin 4 days before the pain starts--I never would have guessed, I always figured my mother taught me everything there was to know in this regard, but it works wonders!)
16. I believe both of our lives will be richer for growing together.

Some people are so stupid

Some people are so stupid it hurts. Is there a simplier, easier to understand, less convoluted type of proof than a proof by contradiction. Yes, aparently there is... proof by, I'm older, wiser, and, most importantly, more mature than you.

Presenting anecdotal evidence of aberrence is not sufficient evidence to prove an argument invalid. Not ever. Not even if someone is arguing that "all young marriages are doomed". Just because your grandparents got married at 16 and were happy together for 80 years until they died does not make the above argument by an older, wiser, and, most importantly, more mature person false.

Your grandparents were not part of the set of all young marriages... either that or their marriage was secretly a disaster and nobody knew... I'm not quite sure which, but even without meeting your grandparents, I know that it was one or the other. After all, I'm older, wiser, and, most importantly, more mature.

Some people are so stupid it just hurts. I might have a hard time respecting people like that if they were not older, wiser, and most importantly more mature than I am.

I need to write about my feelings over and after Thanksgiving to try to understand my anger and frustration.

I was very upset about Josh spending so much time hiding in our room during the Thanksgiving holiday when his parents and sister were here. I was also very upset at how uncivil he was to his mother and sister. I was embarrassed by his behavior. I was confused about his wanting to have them here before they came and then not responding well when they showed up. I was angry that I felt like I had to do so much of the "hosting" by myself, when it was his family visiting.

We were both emotionally exhausted when they left. Josh wanted to deal with it with time by himself. I wanted to deal with it with time together, particularly when so much of my exhaustion was stemming from him--It is exhausting to have negative emotions toward him and I wanted to replace them with positive emotions. Josh was the one who got his way and his time alone. I understand that we function in very different ways, but I was still extremely hurt by this, on top of the negative emotions I had from earlier. Now that he's ready to spend time together, I hardly even want to, I'm so angry at him. I don't know how to express to him why I am upset, since he doesn't ever seem to understand how I can still be upset a whole week and a half later... but of course, I didn't want to talk with him about it at the time since he was really busy fighting over the stupidest things with everyone else who was around, and I didn't have the energy to deal with fighting with him when he was clearly not being capable of behaving rationally. I had hoped that continuing to be nice would give me the opportunity to figure out what was wrong to cause him to behave so horribly and help correct it constructively... but since what he wanted was to be left alone, that didn't really work very well. Instead, I just got to feel even more neglected.

Yeah, we have spent some quality time together since Thanksgiving doing things I wanted to do, but he has been so unenthusiastic about it. It's just not fun when it feels like he doesn't want to be there... when it feels like he'd rather be else where or doing something else, I just do not feel loved.

I was also very deeply hurt by the apology Josh made to his parents about not coming home for Christmas this year. It made it sound, to me, like if Josh had had his way, we would have spent Thanksgiving with my parents and Christmas with his. The thing is, Josh did have his way--it was *his* choice and *his* desire to have Thanksgiving with his parents and Christmas with mine (okay, he might have prefered to spend both with his parents, but he very much had his choice of which major holiday to spend with his parents this year). If he was a single person acting on his own, this would have been a totally reasonable and totally forgivable white lie... but as a married man, it naturally makes me out as the bad guy... as having drawn him away against his will. If it was true, it would still be infuriating to me, but as a purposely (or at least carelessly) given false impression, it is worse. Especially given right there in front of me, without any prior warning.

It also continues to make me angry the way coming home for every other Christmas is something he feels the need to apologize about. I think they should be greatful for our company one Christmas out of two. I don't think I will ever get over hating the way he sees visiting his parents on Christmas day as some sort of obligation... some sort of obligation that he doesn't even begin to meet by visiting them for December 17 - 23rd.

Excuse me while I vent

I was scheduled for a meeting at 7:30 this morning. Normally I work from 8:45am to 6pm, because that's when I can get good shuttle and train service to and from work. Today, I drove because of the meeting. Since I was driving, DH asked me to drop him off at the bus stop so he wouldn't have to walk in the cold (the *high* today is supposed to be like 15 degrees). We agreed to leave home at 6:50, he'd wait in the station for his 7am bus, and that should get me to work a couple minutes early for my meeting, since it takes about 25-30 minutes to drive to work when I'm not dropping him off. Well, he's "almost ready to go" at 6:40 and sits down to read his online comics (which frankly he would be free to read at school--no one else is in this early anyhow), and at 6:50, I tell him it is time to leave, and at about 6:59 we are out the door. I get him to the bus stop as his 7am bus (which is fortunately for him running late) is pulling away from the station, but he flags it down and gets on. I put the petal to the metal, but it doesn't really help since it just means I hit all the red lights (timed to be green for people driving the speed limit). I get to work at 7:29, and my meeting at 7:34 (it was at the other end of the complex--I ran) and get turned away at the door because it has already started.
I came back to my desk and emailed DH about it. I tried not to lay into him too much, but I think it is important for him to know when he makes me late... after all, if he doesn't know his behavior is causing a problem, he can't fix it. He responds with, I'm sorry, but we left at 6:50, and you said it only takes you 30 minutes to get to work, surely it doesn't take 10 extra minutes to drop me off at the bus stop. Did he not notice that he almost missed his bus? His 7am bus that he was supposed to be 10 minutes early for? He should have known that I was really down to the wire for me to get to my meeting on time... I really wish he would notice stuff like this on his own.
I'm also miffed at the people running the meeting. They make a big huge deal about coming to the "all hands" meeting during your designated time slot, but then I'm 4 minutes late, and they tell me to come back this afternoon... but show up 10 minutes early because the afternoon sessions keep filling up (no duh, 4 minutes late is not very late around here, I'm sure there are tons of people who tried to attend during their assigned times this morning and yesterday and got turned away at the door for being a few minutes late... no really, it's appauling how often people are late around here--often I'll be 2 or 3 minutes late to a meeting, but still the first one there).
Alright. It felt good to get that out of my system. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate on work now.

Towel borders

http://www.annthegran.com/search/search_details.jsp?id=5786 - Holly
http://www.annthegran.com/search/search_details.jsp?id=4804 - Blue

Needs and Marriage

Dr. Harley and Dr. Chapman both lay out very similar instructions for staying in love, and using that as the foundation for staying married. I think there is a great deal of wisdom in their ideas. Part of the appeal of their ideas is, I think, that while they are both relatively anti-divorce, they don't see divorce as a big monster, but rather as a big symptom. That is, people who manage to stay in love willl not get divorced, while in contrast people who fall out of love and do not know how to get the love back will eventually seek love else where though divorce or an affair. What I get from their philosophies is that each of us has these certain important needs, emotional needs and the need to feel loved. When these crutial needs are identified, they may be met by the spouse. When these crutial needs are met, there is marital satisfaction.

But sometimes I feel that todays society tries to teach us that we do not have these needs, that somehow it is wrong to need to feel loved or to have other emotional needs. If this is true, then it is also wrong to name these needs, and to ask our spouses to meet them. If this is true, then any request from your spouse to have his or her needs met would be inappropriate and "needy." There is supposed to be give and take in a marriage, but if there are no needs then there is no need for give and no need to take in a marriage. Under this paradigm, I'm not sure what the basis for marital satisfaction is supposed to be. My spouse takes care of 50% of the bills, 50% of the chores, and 50% of the child rearing. Great. I would have been equally happy with my college roommate. Yes, a spouse might choose to go above and beyond the call of duty to show his love, but if he doesn't know what it is that will make you happy, he might work long hours to earn more money, when what you really want is for him to spend more quality time with you. Waisted effort like that wont provide additional marital satisfaction. And marital satisfaction is one of those things which can really dark spiral--if one spouse is not feeling much marital satisfaction, s/he will be less inclined to provide marital satisfaction for the other. After all, we are in no way obligated to meet our spouses' needs because they aren't justified in having those needs in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if in the attempt to become independant, we have lost our ability to be properly interdependant. In their hearts, most people are fundamentally social beings with certain emotional needs that cannot be met without another person. Many of these needs may be met by friends and other family members in very appropriate ways, but some must be met by the spouse. But denying those needs does not make them go away. Meeting the needs through other friends (or even other lovers) may feel more independant because there is not the reliance on one individual, but at the same time, a chain of interdependance is only as strong as the weakest link.

Conflict and decisions in marriage

What do you do when you cannot come to an agreement about something with your spouse? It's one thing to talk about compromise, but what if you cannot agree on an appropriate compromise. This is one of my biggest fears for the future, and I am appauled at how little I can find written on the subject. In fact, it often seems that most of the sources I read don't give any advice or direction on how to handle this, instead they just offer up a solution for the couple to take if they cannot reach an agreement. Trouble is, if that solution is the solution one of them was going for in the beginning you end up with your marital advisor really just taking sides, or worse, if one spouse knows the default solution and wants it, he or she may simply refuse to enter the debate in the first place.

Dr. Harley says that in a marriage you should do nothing without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses. On the face of it, it sounds pretty good, and in a lot of cases I'm sure it is. Particularly if both spouses wish to do something, but do not agree about what. But should the homebody spouse always get his way? Or take a more extreme case: one partner wants children and the other doesn't, and then an accidental pregnancy occures... what *is* the "do nothing" solution, is it "don't have an abortion" or "don't have a baby"? This depends a great deal on the personal beliefs of both parties. Or if the mother in law is continually inviting herself over or dropping by unannounced and one party doesn't want a confruntation while the other doesn't want to deal with the mother in law, what is the the "do nothing" solution?

The Catholic church has another approach to one of the biggest areas on which a husband and wife can disagree: children. The Catholic church essentially disallows the couple to take complete control of this decision. It is "left up to God", so there is little left to the couple to argue about in this regard.

Some people think that the final say in a marriage, or an absolute veto power, should be reserved for one spouse or the other. If you cannot reach an agreement, the husband decides. Certainly this could save a lot of time spent arguing, and if this power is not abused, the marriage need not end up feeling like a dictatorship (even if that's what it really is). Some (in my opinion nieve) people even see this as the idea government type--the benign dictator has the best interests of his people at heart, can gather all the relivant information and make a decision without a lot of energy being wasted debating the matter.

One might argue that this way of doing things, having certain default decisions, helps marriages run smoothly, and in turn leads to more fulfilling lives for the participants. It's not really a bad argument, and in fact, if the marriage, or even the date needed reinvented for each pairing, I wouldn't be surprised if the work and imagination required for good ones left many couples with less fulfilling marriages or relationships. Though most children will not completely copy their parents' marriage, children whose parents stayed together are more likely to stay married themselves, so we imagine that children do learn something from observing a good marriage which would be more difficult to figure out on their own (though some certainly do figure it out). The trouble is, one size doesn't fit all. Without getting into different sexual orientations, or poly, or open relationships, different people want different things out of their marriages. Many people are pretty accepting of choices to have or not have children, but most newly wed couples intending to remain childfree or have their children later in life will tell you about all the rude people asking them when the baby is coming. But society at large is less accepting of other choices a couple might make: the couple that makes the choice to spend an average of 6.9 evenings per week together is likely to be labeled as needy, where as the couple that chooses to spend 1 evening per week together is likely to be labeled as disconnected. These labels are meaningful if the couple deviates from the norm because one partner is overbaring, but what if the partner who WANTS the norm is overbaring and the other partner wants something else? Does the fact that it is "the norm" mean that the overbaring partner should get her way in the latter case but not the former?

Compatibility vs. Commitment vs. Skills

Over the weekend I asked a question on married_life about which was the most important in a marriage: commitment, compatibility, or relationship skills. I was really surprised at the diversity of responses I got--people chose all three, and gave good explanation for each. I'm still not sure which one I consider most important.

Compatibility I think is vital to a happy fulfilling marriage. Without compatible goals and livestyles, the couple will be at odds with each other for as long as the marriage lasts. Without fundamental deep-rooted compatibility, there may not be win-win solutions to the couple's conflicts. Even if the couple is dedicated to staying together and has good relationship skills, severe incompatiblity could make a fulfilling relationship impossible. Does this kind of deep-seated incompatibility really exist in the world? Will the person who really wants children, but who's spouse does not be able to lead a fulfilling life without? Will the person who really does not want children but who's spouse does be able to live a fulfilling life as a parent? Experts disagree, and probably there is a large amount of variation based on how deeply held beliefs, goals, and values are for the involved individuals.

Commitment I think is an important ingrediant for a long lasting marriage. No matter how compatible and no matter how good the skills of the individuals are, I don't think any couple stays married for a long time without having days when they would rather not have been married. Certainly I have not ever spoken to a individual who has been married for a long time and has claimed NOT to have any days like that. At the same time, to quote a response I recieved, a marriage which survives based only on commitment may be more like a prison sentense as it may be forever without joy or fulfillment. I certainly hope commitment isn't the most important since it is the area in which I am probably the most lacking as an individual. However, at the same time, there is something else which is very much like commitment, perhaps it is what those who have a great deal of commitment really have. It is two fold: faith and duty. First I have faith that when chips are down they will get better, and second I have a sense of duty to see my husband through his own struggles because we made an agreement to see each other through. Is this the stuff commitment is made of? I do not know. Does commitment make or break relationships? Do people leave marriages which could have been not only saved, but made into happy marriages for lack of commitment? Almost certainly this happens occassionally. Does it happen a lot? I'm pretty sure the experts disagree on this one too.

Relationship Skills are vitally important in forming a lasting marriage when the couple's primary goal is a fulfilling marriage. It is the couple's relationship skills more than anything else which keep a marriage as a fulfilling partnership rather than a prison sentense. It is the relationship skills which allow couples to find win-win solutions when conflicts arise. For a couples with virtually any level of compatibility or incompatibility, there will be many conflicts in which the win-win solution is present, but difficult to find. There is no question that the couple who finds the win-win solutions when conflicts arise will have a more fulfilling marriage (and therefore probably a longer marriage) than the couple who settles for win-lose, or worse lose-lose solutions. However, while commitment and compatibility are largely born into the individuals and the pairing, respectively, relationship skills may be learned at any step in the process, essentailly from birth to death... if the individual is willing, and where willingness may be driven by commitment or the presence of enough relationship skills to see the value.

So I think I have come to my conclusion. Before marriage, in choosing a marriage partner the most important thing to look for in the relationship is compatibility, followed by commitment in the partner (is s/he willing to do/learn what it takes to make a good marriage and stand by me?). I'm not sure to what extent a person can foster commitment in themselves, but examining and understanding one's own commitment capacity is probably also important. After marriage, the couple has the compatibility that they have, and the commitment that they have. Both may change over time, but neither can be consciously controlled to anything but a limited extent. Relationship skills are the only area where the couple is likely to experience any significant growth, and the only area where the couple can exert significant force on their growth. I am not completely sure this makes relationship skills the most "important" area, since the couple with more compatibility or more commitment may have an easier time of things, but I believe that relationship skills are without a doubt the area which deserves the most attention in a marriage.

Weekend Accomplishments 11/4 - 11/6

- Did recycling
- Finished digitizing capitol letters
- Cleaned up kitchen
- Did grocery shopping
- Cleaned master bathroom
- Baked muffins

Weekend Accomplishments 10/28-10/30

- Finished cleaning entire apartment
- Cooked dinner for friends
- Started handkerchief embroidery
- Found capital alphabet and started digitizing (A-F)
- Mopped kitchen floor
- Cleaned out frig
- Stowed summer clothes
- Did laundry (including purple towels)
- Purchased tickets for Christmas

To do list

Even when I have nothing coming up, I still feel the need for a todo list...

- Hang pictures
- Frame wedding painting
- Make kitchen-wall racks
- Thank you notes (Sullivans, Sarah)
- Finish digitizing alphabet
- Research massage oils
- Organize fabrics and notions

Kinds of Love

One of the most surprising and remarkable things to me, in my relationship with Josh, is the diversity of our relating. Sometimes he is like a lover to me and sometimes he is like a best friend. Those two are generally to be expected. But sometimes also he is like a sibbling, sometimes like a parent, and sometimes like a child. It all seems to depend on what we each need at a given time. I am glad we are able to relate on all these different levels. So many people say you should not mother your husband, but sometimes he needs it, and sometimes I need it too. It is a comfort to not always have to be the strong one, and a joy to provide that same comfort to him. It is a beautiful thing to be all these things for each other yet still come together as equals and as lovers. I would not have thought such a thing possible before. He is an exceptional mixture of all the things I need in my life. I never thought one person could be all that. I am so greatful. I should make it a point of expressing that to him today, and every day.

Week's Accomplishments 10/24-10/28

- Reassembled white jacket (all except a bit of detail work that isn't very important and wont take very long)
- Set up perscription
- Got info about recycling
- Talked to sewing supply warehouse about replacement narrow hemmer foot

Weekend Accomplishments

Oct. 22/23
----
Boxed Fabrics
Cleaned most of Office
Did lotsa laundry (including all towels from both bathrooms)
Made bag for washing delicate underwear
Purchased silverware tray
Washed white jacket lining and edging
Started reassembly of white jacket (cuffs)
Purchased small fonts and started to learn about digitizing
Digitized my own lowercase cursive alphabet
Cleaned desk
Did some shopping
Got patch perscription
Cleaned kitchen
Cleaned most of kitchen table

Marriage as growth

Marriage is not about two people coming together and loving each other just the way they are. Do you know why? It is because people are always changing. Yes, even if they wait until they are 45 years old to get married. Dating is about liking someone just the way he is today; if you don't like him the way he is tomorrow, you can date somebody else. Marriage is about growing together. Growing together is about helping each other to become better people, to make fewer mistakes and wiser decisions.

Is everything just chance or were some things meant to be?

Then let's say...God puts 2 people on earth and they are lucky enough to find one another but one of them gets hit by lightening, well then what? Is that it? Or perchance you meet someone new and marry all over again is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the 1st? And if so, when the 2 of them were walking side by side, were they both the one for you and you just happen to be the 1st one 1st or was the 2nd one supposed to be 1st? And is everything just chance or were some things meant to be?

X-mas list

Things I want for Christmas (or to buy for myself earlier so I can use them to make xmas gifts for others).

- Medium hoop ($24.95)

Already purchased for self:
- Small Fonts ($19.97)
- Embroidery Magic 2 ($54.95)
- More bobbins ($2.50)
- Small hoop ($24.95)
- Jumbo hoop ($39.75)
- Hemmer foot ($24.95, Description of the hemmer foot, appears to be the same as 'N' - SA126 Narrow Hemmer Foot for $17.99)

Todays Articles from Marriage Partnership

I enjoyed these articles today.

Avoiding Missteps and Misunderstandings
How to listen before you leap (to the wrong conclusion)
By Les and Leslie Parrott
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2005/003/8.30.html

The List That Saved My Marriage
What an inventory of my husband's shortcomings taught me
By Becky Zerbe
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2005/003/7.32.html

A set of 3 Q&A's
- We Feel Like Phonies
- My Guilt Drives Him Crazy
- He Excludes Me from His Career
By Les and Leslie Parrott
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2001/004/11.18.html

Don't Bottle Up Your Anger

Try to find healthy ways to express your anger to each other, and do it early and often while you are only a little upset, and hopefully still rational. If you bottle it up too long, it will explode, and that is so much worse.

I found the following passage in a Robert Jordan book, but it rings so very true.

"I will never, ever be angry with you, I sw —" She cut him off with a hand over his mouth.

"Mother says the worst thing Father ever did to her was vow never to be angry with her. It took her a year to force him to take it back, and she says he was hardly fit to live with long before then from holding in. You will be angry with me, Perrin, and I with you. If you want to make me another wedding vow, vow you will not hide it when you are."

Hold hands when you argue

Love doesn't conquer all, but it sure makes things easier. When you argue, keep expressing your love for each other. We don't always agree with our spouses and sometimes we get very angry, but that doesn't mean we stop loving each other.

Express your love by holding hands when you argue. This will remind you both of the love you share.

It's not enough to remember that you should be fair or that you don't want to get divorced--remind yourselves why you both want the best for both of you, not just yourselves, and why you always want to be together.

Form good habits

Whenever we have major life changes, whether it's getting married, or moving in for the first time, or moving to a new home, or starting a new job, we set new routines and have the opportunity to form new habits. Form good habits that you want to keep. Get into the habit of going to sleep at the same time and waking up at the same time. Get into the habit of going on walks together on a regular basis. Get into the habit of being polite to each other. Get into the habit of expressing what's on your mind. Get into the habit of doing the things you both think will improve your marriage.

Married couples often find that they get stuck in the "same old routine." I think many couples are exhausted when they are done with the wedding want a break from being affectionate and romantic (I know we did), the trouble is, that break can stretch into the rest of your lives if you let it become habit and routine. Do everything you can to make your newlywed routine one you wont mind getting stuck in for the rest of your life. This is a very important time for setting habits and routines, especially if you didn't live together before, but even if you did.

An article about Honeymoon Habits from marriage partnership: http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/9m2/9m2066.html

Keep Preparing for Marriage

These are probably the most important thing I have ever learned about marriage. And I learned them late.

- The only constant in marriage is change.

People change through out their lives, and their marriages must change to keep up. Always be on the lookout for new ways to grow together and new things to do together. Never stop trying to get to know your spouse better. Just when you think you have him all figured out he's likely to change again. Treat these changes as opportunities for growth: personally, as a couple, and in intimacy.

- Preparing for marriage is a lifelong task.

It might have started on your first date, or when he placed the ring on your finger. Or perhaps your preparation started before you even met him, or after you returned from the honeymoon. The important thing to remember now is that preparing for marriage is a lifelong task, largely because there is so much change in marriage. There will always be new challenges and new changes ahead which you want to be ready to meet head on. And in the mean time, there is always room for greater love, more intimacy, and deeper understanding of one another.

Test

The first post in a blog is always a test. Anyone who thinks otherwise is itching for a lost first entry.