Towel borders

http://www.annthegran.com/search/search_details.jsp?id=5786 - Holly
http://www.annthegran.com/search/search_details.jsp?id=4804 - Blue

Needs and Marriage

Dr. Harley and Dr. Chapman both lay out very similar instructions for staying in love, and using that as the foundation for staying married. I think there is a great deal of wisdom in their ideas. Part of the appeal of their ideas is, I think, that while they are both relatively anti-divorce, they don't see divorce as a big monster, but rather as a big symptom. That is, people who manage to stay in love willl not get divorced, while in contrast people who fall out of love and do not know how to get the love back will eventually seek love else where though divorce or an affair. What I get from their philosophies is that each of us has these certain important needs, emotional needs and the need to feel loved. When these crutial needs are identified, they may be met by the spouse. When these crutial needs are met, there is marital satisfaction.

But sometimes I feel that todays society tries to teach us that we do not have these needs, that somehow it is wrong to need to feel loved or to have other emotional needs. If this is true, then it is also wrong to name these needs, and to ask our spouses to meet them. If this is true, then any request from your spouse to have his or her needs met would be inappropriate and "needy." There is supposed to be give and take in a marriage, but if there are no needs then there is no need for give and no need to take in a marriage. Under this paradigm, I'm not sure what the basis for marital satisfaction is supposed to be. My spouse takes care of 50% of the bills, 50% of the chores, and 50% of the child rearing. Great. I would have been equally happy with my college roommate. Yes, a spouse might choose to go above and beyond the call of duty to show his love, but if he doesn't know what it is that will make you happy, he might work long hours to earn more money, when what you really want is for him to spend more quality time with you. Waisted effort like that wont provide additional marital satisfaction. And marital satisfaction is one of those things which can really dark spiral--if one spouse is not feeling much marital satisfaction, s/he will be less inclined to provide marital satisfaction for the other. After all, we are in no way obligated to meet our spouses' needs because they aren't justified in having those needs in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if in the attempt to become independant, we have lost our ability to be properly interdependant. In their hearts, most people are fundamentally social beings with certain emotional needs that cannot be met without another person. Many of these needs may be met by friends and other family members in very appropriate ways, but some must be met by the spouse. But denying those needs does not make them go away. Meeting the needs through other friends (or even other lovers) may feel more independant because there is not the reliance on one individual, but at the same time, a chain of interdependance is only as strong as the weakest link.

Conflict and decisions in marriage

What do you do when you cannot come to an agreement about something with your spouse? It's one thing to talk about compromise, but what if you cannot agree on an appropriate compromise. This is one of my biggest fears for the future, and I am appauled at how little I can find written on the subject. In fact, it often seems that most of the sources I read don't give any advice or direction on how to handle this, instead they just offer up a solution for the couple to take if they cannot reach an agreement. Trouble is, if that solution is the solution one of them was going for in the beginning you end up with your marital advisor really just taking sides, or worse, if one spouse knows the default solution and wants it, he or she may simply refuse to enter the debate in the first place.

Dr. Harley says that in a marriage you should do nothing without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses. On the face of it, it sounds pretty good, and in a lot of cases I'm sure it is. Particularly if both spouses wish to do something, but do not agree about what. But should the homebody spouse always get his way? Or take a more extreme case: one partner wants children and the other doesn't, and then an accidental pregnancy occures... what *is* the "do nothing" solution, is it "don't have an abortion" or "don't have a baby"? This depends a great deal on the personal beliefs of both parties. Or if the mother in law is continually inviting herself over or dropping by unannounced and one party doesn't want a confruntation while the other doesn't want to deal with the mother in law, what is the the "do nothing" solution?

The Catholic church has another approach to one of the biggest areas on which a husband and wife can disagree: children. The Catholic church essentially disallows the couple to take complete control of this decision. It is "left up to God", so there is little left to the couple to argue about in this regard.

Some people think that the final say in a marriage, or an absolute veto power, should be reserved for one spouse or the other. If you cannot reach an agreement, the husband decides. Certainly this could save a lot of time spent arguing, and if this power is not abused, the marriage need not end up feeling like a dictatorship (even if that's what it really is). Some (in my opinion nieve) people even see this as the idea government type--the benign dictator has the best interests of his people at heart, can gather all the relivant information and make a decision without a lot of energy being wasted debating the matter.

One might argue that this way of doing things, having certain default decisions, helps marriages run smoothly, and in turn leads to more fulfilling lives for the participants. It's not really a bad argument, and in fact, if the marriage, or even the date needed reinvented for each pairing, I wouldn't be surprised if the work and imagination required for good ones left many couples with less fulfilling marriages or relationships. Though most children will not completely copy their parents' marriage, children whose parents stayed together are more likely to stay married themselves, so we imagine that children do learn something from observing a good marriage which would be more difficult to figure out on their own (though some certainly do figure it out). The trouble is, one size doesn't fit all. Without getting into different sexual orientations, or poly, or open relationships, different people want different things out of their marriages. Many people are pretty accepting of choices to have or not have children, but most newly wed couples intending to remain childfree or have their children later in life will tell you about all the rude people asking them when the baby is coming. But society at large is less accepting of other choices a couple might make: the couple that makes the choice to spend an average of 6.9 evenings per week together is likely to be labeled as needy, where as the couple that chooses to spend 1 evening per week together is likely to be labeled as disconnected. These labels are meaningful if the couple deviates from the norm because one partner is overbaring, but what if the partner who WANTS the norm is overbaring and the other partner wants something else? Does the fact that it is "the norm" mean that the overbaring partner should get her way in the latter case but not the former?

Compatibility vs. Commitment vs. Skills

Over the weekend I asked a question on married_life about which was the most important in a marriage: commitment, compatibility, or relationship skills. I was really surprised at the diversity of responses I got--people chose all three, and gave good explanation for each. I'm still not sure which one I consider most important.

Compatibility I think is vital to a happy fulfilling marriage. Without compatible goals and livestyles, the couple will be at odds with each other for as long as the marriage lasts. Without fundamental deep-rooted compatibility, there may not be win-win solutions to the couple's conflicts. Even if the couple is dedicated to staying together and has good relationship skills, severe incompatiblity could make a fulfilling relationship impossible. Does this kind of deep-seated incompatibility really exist in the world? Will the person who really wants children, but who's spouse does not be able to lead a fulfilling life without? Will the person who really does not want children but who's spouse does be able to live a fulfilling life as a parent? Experts disagree, and probably there is a large amount of variation based on how deeply held beliefs, goals, and values are for the involved individuals.

Commitment I think is an important ingrediant for a long lasting marriage. No matter how compatible and no matter how good the skills of the individuals are, I don't think any couple stays married for a long time without having days when they would rather not have been married. Certainly I have not ever spoken to a individual who has been married for a long time and has claimed NOT to have any days like that. At the same time, to quote a response I recieved, a marriage which survives based only on commitment may be more like a prison sentense as it may be forever without joy or fulfillment. I certainly hope commitment isn't the most important since it is the area in which I am probably the most lacking as an individual. However, at the same time, there is something else which is very much like commitment, perhaps it is what those who have a great deal of commitment really have. It is two fold: faith and duty. First I have faith that when chips are down they will get better, and second I have a sense of duty to see my husband through his own struggles because we made an agreement to see each other through. Is this the stuff commitment is made of? I do not know. Does commitment make or break relationships? Do people leave marriages which could have been not only saved, but made into happy marriages for lack of commitment? Almost certainly this happens occassionally. Does it happen a lot? I'm pretty sure the experts disagree on this one too.

Relationship Skills are vitally important in forming a lasting marriage when the couple's primary goal is a fulfilling marriage. It is the couple's relationship skills more than anything else which keep a marriage as a fulfilling partnership rather than a prison sentense. It is the relationship skills which allow couples to find win-win solutions when conflicts arise. For a couples with virtually any level of compatibility or incompatibility, there will be many conflicts in which the win-win solution is present, but difficult to find. There is no question that the couple who finds the win-win solutions when conflicts arise will have a more fulfilling marriage (and therefore probably a longer marriage) than the couple who settles for win-lose, or worse lose-lose solutions. However, while commitment and compatibility are largely born into the individuals and the pairing, respectively, relationship skills may be learned at any step in the process, essentailly from birth to death... if the individual is willing, and where willingness may be driven by commitment or the presence of enough relationship skills to see the value.

So I think I have come to my conclusion. Before marriage, in choosing a marriage partner the most important thing to look for in the relationship is compatibility, followed by commitment in the partner (is s/he willing to do/learn what it takes to make a good marriage and stand by me?). I'm not sure to what extent a person can foster commitment in themselves, but examining and understanding one's own commitment capacity is probably also important. After marriage, the couple has the compatibility that they have, and the commitment that they have. Both may change over time, but neither can be consciously controlled to anything but a limited extent. Relationship skills are the only area where the couple is likely to experience any significant growth, and the only area where the couple can exert significant force on their growth. I am not completely sure this makes relationship skills the most "important" area, since the couple with more compatibility or more commitment may have an easier time of things, but I believe that relationship skills are without a doubt the area which deserves the most attention in a marriage.

Weekend Accomplishments 11/4 - 11/6

- Did recycling
- Finished digitizing capitol letters
- Cleaned up kitchen
- Did grocery shopping
- Cleaned master bathroom
- Baked muffins