Needs and Marriage

Dr. Harley and Dr. Chapman both lay out very similar instructions for staying in love, and using that as the foundation for staying married. I think there is a great deal of wisdom in their ideas. Part of the appeal of their ideas is, I think, that while they are both relatively anti-divorce, they don't see divorce as a big monster, but rather as a big symptom. That is, people who manage to stay in love willl not get divorced, while in contrast people who fall out of love and do not know how to get the love back will eventually seek love else where though divorce or an affair. What I get from their philosophies is that each of us has these certain important needs, emotional needs and the need to feel loved. When these crutial needs are identified, they may be met by the spouse. When these crutial needs are met, there is marital satisfaction.

But sometimes I feel that todays society tries to teach us that we do not have these needs, that somehow it is wrong to need to feel loved or to have other emotional needs. If this is true, then it is also wrong to name these needs, and to ask our spouses to meet them. If this is true, then any request from your spouse to have his or her needs met would be inappropriate and "needy." There is supposed to be give and take in a marriage, but if there are no needs then there is no need for give and no need to take in a marriage. Under this paradigm, I'm not sure what the basis for marital satisfaction is supposed to be. My spouse takes care of 50% of the bills, 50% of the chores, and 50% of the child rearing. Great. I would have been equally happy with my college roommate. Yes, a spouse might choose to go above and beyond the call of duty to show his love, but if he doesn't know what it is that will make you happy, he might work long hours to earn more money, when what you really want is for him to spend more quality time with you. Waisted effort like that wont provide additional marital satisfaction. And marital satisfaction is one of those things which can really dark spiral--if one spouse is not feeling much marital satisfaction, s/he will be less inclined to provide marital satisfaction for the other. After all, we are in no way obligated to meet our spouses' needs because they aren't justified in having those needs in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if in the attempt to become independant, we have lost our ability to be properly interdependant. In their hearts, most people are fundamentally social beings with certain emotional needs that cannot be met without another person. Many of these needs may be met by friends and other family members in very appropriate ways, but some must be met by the spouse. But denying those needs does not make them go away. Meeting the needs through other friends (or even other lovers) may feel more independant because there is not the reliance on one individual, but at the same time, a chain of interdependance is only as strong as the weakest link.