Compatibility vs. Commitment vs. Skills
Over the weekend I asked a question on married_life about which was the most important in a marriage: commitment, compatibility, or relationship skills. I was really surprised at the diversity of responses I got--people chose all three, and gave good explanation for each. I'm still not sure which one I consider most important.
Compatibility I think is vital to a happy fulfilling marriage. Without compatible goals and livestyles, the couple will be at odds with each other for as long as the marriage lasts. Without fundamental deep-rooted compatibility, there may not be win-win solutions to the couple's conflicts. Even if the couple is dedicated to staying together and has good relationship skills, severe incompatiblity could make a fulfilling relationship impossible. Does this kind of deep-seated incompatibility really exist in the world? Will the person who really wants children, but who's spouse does not be able to lead a fulfilling life without? Will the person who really does not want children but who's spouse does be able to live a fulfilling life as a parent? Experts disagree, and probably there is a large amount of variation based on how deeply held beliefs, goals, and values are for the involved individuals.
Commitment I think is an important ingrediant for a long lasting marriage. No matter how compatible and no matter how good the skills of the individuals are, I don't think any couple stays married for a long time without having days when they would rather not have been married. Certainly I have not ever spoken to a individual who has been married for a long time and has claimed NOT to have any days like that. At the same time, to quote a response I recieved, a marriage which survives based only on commitment may be more like a prison sentense as it may be forever without joy or fulfillment. I certainly hope commitment isn't the most important since it is the area in which I am probably the most lacking as an individual. However, at the same time, there is something else which is very much like commitment, perhaps it is what those who have a great deal of commitment really have. It is two fold: faith and duty. First I have faith that when chips are down they will get better, and second I have a sense of duty to see my husband through his own struggles because we made an agreement to see each other through. Is this the stuff commitment is made of? I do not know. Does commitment make or break relationships? Do people leave marriages which could have been not only saved, but made into happy marriages for lack of commitment? Almost certainly this happens occassionally. Does it happen a lot? I'm pretty sure the experts disagree on this one too.
Relationship Skills are vitally important in forming a lasting marriage when the couple's primary goal is a fulfilling marriage. It is the couple's relationship skills more than anything else which keep a marriage as a fulfilling partnership rather than a prison sentense. It is the relationship skills which allow couples to find win-win solutions when conflicts arise. For a couples with virtually any level of compatibility or incompatibility, there will be many conflicts in which the win-win solution is present, but difficult to find. There is no question that the couple who finds the win-win solutions when conflicts arise will have a more fulfilling marriage (and therefore probably a longer marriage) than the couple who settles for win-lose, or worse lose-lose solutions. However, while commitment and compatibility are largely born into the individuals and the pairing, respectively, relationship skills may be learned at any step in the process, essentailly from birth to death... if the individual is willing, and where willingness may be driven by commitment or the presence of enough relationship skills to see the value.
So I think I have come to my conclusion. Before marriage, in choosing a marriage partner the most important thing to look for in the relationship is compatibility, followed by commitment in the partner (is s/he willing to do/learn what it takes to make a good marriage and stand by me?). I'm not sure to what extent a person can foster commitment in themselves, but examining and understanding one's own commitment capacity is probably also important. After marriage, the couple has the compatibility that they have, and the commitment that they have. Both may change over time, but neither can be consciously controlled to anything but a limited extent. Relationship skills are the only area where the couple is likely to experience any significant growth, and the only area where the couple can exert significant force on their growth. I am not completely sure this makes relationship skills the most "important" area, since the couple with more compatibility or more commitment may have an easier time of things, but I believe that relationship skills are without a doubt the area which deserves the most attention in a marriage.
Compatibility I think is vital to a happy fulfilling marriage. Without compatible goals and livestyles, the couple will be at odds with each other for as long as the marriage lasts. Without fundamental deep-rooted compatibility, there may not be win-win solutions to the couple's conflicts. Even if the couple is dedicated to staying together and has good relationship skills, severe incompatiblity could make a fulfilling relationship impossible. Does this kind of deep-seated incompatibility really exist in the world? Will the person who really wants children, but who's spouse does not be able to lead a fulfilling life without? Will the person who really does not want children but who's spouse does be able to live a fulfilling life as a parent? Experts disagree, and probably there is a large amount of variation based on how deeply held beliefs, goals, and values are for the involved individuals.
Commitment I think is an important ingrediant for a long lasting marriage. No matter how compatible and no matter how good the skills of the individuals are, I don't think any couple stays married for a long time without having days when they would rather not have been married. Certainly I have not ever spoken to a individual who has been married for a long time and has claimed NOT to have any days like that. At the same time, to quote a response I recieved, a marriage which survives based only on commitment may be more like a prison sentense as it may be forever without joy or fulfillment. I certainly hope commitment isn't the most important since it is the area in which I am probably the most lacking as an individual. However, at the same time, there is something else which is very much like commitment, perhaps it is what those who have a great deal of commitment really have. It is two fold: faith and duty. First I have faith that when chips are down they will get better, and second I have a sense of duty to see my husband through his own struggles because we made an agreement to see each other through. Is this the stuff commitment is made of? I do not know. Does commitment make or break relationships? Do people leave marriages which could have been not only saved, but made into happy marriages for lack of commitment? Almost certainly this happens occassionally. Does it happen a lot? I'm pretty sure the experts disagree on this one too.
Relationship Skills are vitally important in forming a lasting marriage when the couple's primary goal is a fulfilling marriage. It is the couple's relationship skills more than anything else which keep a marriage as a fulfilling partnership rather than a prison sentense. It is the relationship skills which allow couples to find win-win solutions when conflicts arise. For a couples with virtually any level of compatibility or incompatibility, there will be many conflicts in which the win-win solution is present, but difficult to find. There is no question that the couple who finds the win-win solutions when conflicts arise will have a more fulfilling marriage (and therefore probably a longer marriage) than the couple who settles for win-lose, or worse lose-lose solutions. However, while commitment and compatibility are largely born into the individuals and the pairing, respectively, relationship skills may be learned at any step in the process, essentailly from birth to death... if the individual is willing, and where willingness may be driven by commitment or the presence of enough relationship skills to see the value.
So I think I have come to my conclusion. Before marriage, in choosing a marriage partner the most important thing to look for in the relationship is compatibility, followed by commitment in the partner (is s/he willing to do/learn what it takes to make a good marriage and stand by me?). I'm not sure to what extent a person can foster commitment in themselves, but examining and understanding one's own commitment capacity is probably also important. After marriage, the couple has the compatibility that they have, and the commitment that they have. Both may change over time, but neither can be consciously controlled to anything but a limited extent. Relationship skills are the only area where the couple is likely to experience any significant growth, and the only area where the couple can exert significant force on their growth. I am not completely sure this makes relationship skills the most "important" area, since the couple with more compatibility or more commitment may have an easier time of things, but I believe that relationship skills are without a doubt the area which deserves the most attention in a marriage.
posted by Mary at 4:23 PM
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